A month or so after my love passed away my son was turning 4 he absolutely refused to blow the candles out on his cake no matter how much we tried to make it a good day no matter how Normal we tried to make it it just wasn’t and would never be again. He literally pushed his cake away and simply thanked everyone and walked away he didn’t even have any interest in opening his gifts. Later that evening he was sitting outside with his mamaw when across the sky a beautiful shooting star soared my mom said make a wish baby he dropped his little head and covered his face and said I don’t believe in wishes anymore mamaw cause I wished for my daddy to come back and he didn’t so wishes aren’t real. I myself just as she realized that in that very moment the magic was lost never to return again. With a mother’s broken heart I remember thinking what a way for a child to learn that magic didn’t exist never had and wouldn’t ever again. This seemed like a bad ending to a poorly made movie but it wasn’t this was real life it was our life. Later that night I had a dream about seeing , walking and talking with God he led me to a plant that was dead brown and had no life he broke a branch and looked at it then started to speak as he handed the tiny dead twig to me he said even in the deadest of dead there is still life there is still something beautiful that will come to be from it and I understood. I would not let this be the moment that defined us I would not let this be the moment my children would never forget the moment that all that was good would be gone the moment the magic died. I told them the next day of my dreams in terms they could understand I explained that even if they couldn’t see their daddy he was still with them and magic was something he loved so much he believed in it and so should they he was there imaginary friend he was the breeze that blew through their hair on a warm summer day he was their strength when they were afraid and he was the shooting star that crossed the sky whenever they were missing him. This gave them comfort it gave them peace and it allowed the magic to return they thought they once had lost forever.
Sometimes you find the light while in the midst of the darkest hour. Sometimes it appears that Evil is winning conquering Good. The day I lost my life was certainly true of this. People I had known for years were suddenly turning their backs they were taking from the widow and her children all that they had left. I remember my 3 year old son answering the phone and someone saying they were sorry for his loss and they had heard it cut his daddy’s legs off which wasn’t even close to true. What breed of human does that I remember people destroying our home and fighting over his things. Things that he would never use or wear again. I remember looking at him in the dim lights of the hospital room they had placed him in and praying to God if he would stand me up if he would only stand me up I would take whatever came my way. The darkest hour never comes in the middle of night it never comes when we are only sleeping it comes when you least expect it, when your looking the other way, when the world is right. After praying for the strength to stand up I felt this overwhelming feeling of warmeth ,of strength, of power just like a huge set of arms had came around me engulfed me in their embrace. I remember them pulling me to my feet I remember feeling like it was him and he had heard my prayers he had felt my pain. During a time of tragedy it’s hard to see the light or keep the faith especially when you hear someone say it was his time or God needed him and all you can think is about those babies standing before you wanting to know why, how could God need their daddy more than they did! I was a grown adult I couldn’t see how he could need him more than me. The God I had always known was a loving God a God that only seen beauty didn’t see color and taught us to love each other as we wanted to be loved, not a Hellfire and brimstone kinda God but a God that was the ultimate parent that had more love in his little pinky then I had in my whole body,was I greater than he,if I couldn’t stand to take even the smallest thing from my children then how could he could take the best thing from his! No! No! I do not believe this I still believe he cries when we do he carries us when we cannot walk he holds us when we are weak he lifts us up when we fall. If I believe in him so strong then I have to believe in evil too that their is a counter part , a villain, a liar, waiting to hurt us ,waiting to lead us astray, waiting patiently to make us turn our backs on the Father I so dearly love. Causing maham and leading us into temptation with every fiber in our being and blinding us to truth standing infront of us. A Devil, a demon, a legion of minions. I carry my demons still to this day but I do not carry them alone for he is with me he is the light ,he is in the waiting. “Take courage my heart stay steadfast my soul for he is in the waiting, he is in the waiting.”
I sit here and look at our babies who aren’t babies anymore and I just know how Proud you are in Heaven as you look down at them. Our little boy has grown into an amazing young man and father himself to a wonderful 4 year old little boy. He kept his promise he made so many years ago to become a police officer and is so strong, caring and compassionate towards others. Our little girl is fixing to be a mommy herself to a little girl come September. She is strong ,compassionate and kind. They both have faithful hearts and have learned to take their broken wings, broken hearts and broken promises from others and fly. I see you in their every move Hunter is a ghostly reminder of who you were and are. He walks like you and talks like you he even loves like you. Jordy has your heart and your upbeat personality she shines brighter than any star in the sky. Even though you are not here I have you here in them. I only wish them love and a life full of hope and blessings I hope they find what we once had a love that transcends even death a legacy filled with all they could dream. A love so true so real so unconditional it can never be broken. I know you are proud and your heart is full because mine is. I know you are watching over us all and I will love them for us both and pick them up when they fall and let them know it’s ok just try again I have their back for us both and on this they can always depend.They amaze me every day with whom they have become.
The strongest love in the world can never be broken even in death I love him as much today as I did the first day. The emptiness is a large void that will never be filled it’s like an endless abyss of nothingness. Toby loved to eat and I loved cooking for him when he passed away I found that certain things especially his favorite foods I couldn’t stomach to make or see or even smell. Everytime I would start to cook I would find myself feeling guilty that I was eating what he would never eat again. I blamed myself when I would catch myself smiling cause I felt like I was betraying him how could I smile when the one I loved the most was gone. I was lost endlessly drifting, drowning in a sea of sadness my heart was broken and so was I. Noone nothing could ever take away this pain I was running through the motions because I had to I had 2 children that needed me but I needed him. People say time heals all wounds but that’s not true you never heal you only learn how to deal with each day a little better than the last until something strange something odd reminds you that life has throat punched you and you are only still breathing because it’s a reaction not because you want too. The sun rises each day whether you want it to or not and the night brings only restlessness, nightmares of a place in time you once were. So nothing heals you only learn to deal I eventually was able to cook some of his favorites again but not all. I still see him when it let’s me in my dreams. I remember what it felt like to hold him touch him feel him. I remember his smell and see him in our children I remember how he sounded for this I am blessed. I will see him again of this I am sure so I will wait wait to be one with him again.
It was a beautiful day out so we decided to grill the kids my nieces were all over playing a game of tag in the front yard Toby was grilling hamburgers and hot dogs on the front porch. Hunter our new little edition was laying on a blanket at his daddy’s feet I had stepped inside to get a plate to put the food coming off the grill on and when I came back out I didn’t think much about the fact the baby was no longer laying there I mean the older girls or his sister was always running off with him which he just loved. Then I happened to look up at the kids as they passed by and no baby Toby still engulfed in his grilling turned around and said what are you looking at? I said where’s the baby he said right there I said nooooo where’s the baby he in his frustration turned around and said laying right ohh where’s the baby I said I asked you he said he was right there when the girls came running up cause they heard us talking and said wait where’s the baby when all of a sudden my niece Tiffany said there he is and he’s covered in mud!!! You couldn’t see nothing but the whites of his eyes our baby that was only just rolling over had crawled for the first time and crawled straight off our deck and landed head first in a mud puddle good thing the deck wasn’t high but there he sat playing in the mud smiling up like is was nothing of course we all went to hooping and hollering at first cause we were all scared it had hurt him but then because he had crawled for the first time it was a priceless moment I will cherish forever.